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21 noviembre Plea.As some of you know, i havent been feeling very well lately.
Well unfortunately its getting worse.
I've experienced very annoying indigestion and i just constantly feel sick or hurt in some way.
And then ofcourse there is the case of my dad and sister constantly reminding me of my 'weight'.
I just dont know what to do anymore.
Nothing feels the same. i just want to be home with friends i know care for me and dont mind spending time with me. I want to be with my own people... i feel so alone here, even if i am surrounded by friendly faces.
I dont know if i want to go to poland anymore. It will be great having that break and seeing family, but having to put up with my sisters 'oh i am so much better then you at like.. everything' act is going to be a little unbearable.
I dont think running away to another continent is going to make me feel better, let alone solve all my problems. However, it is a little late to cancel. It was too late to cancel the day we booked, and now its a less then a week away.
I cant seem to sleep anymore.. which isnt good, i need my sleep.. nothing tastes the same. i cant even stand music.. i cant dance anymore..
Everything i do i feel so ostracised and objectified. I dont feel sexy, or attractive or even alive.
For the first time in my life, its a burden to get out of bed in the morning (and it wasnt when i had to get up at 5:30am for uni calculus and an entire 8hr+ day at uni).
I dont know what to do anymore.
Please dont comment on this entry. i am sure you all have meaninful words of advice and well wishes, but please, dont.
I will be fine, eventually. 20 noviembre ....I write this entry this entry with a growing headache and a strange irritability that makes me want to scream and shout at everyone, which i know isnt fair but i honestly cant help it.
My head is getting worse.
I havent been able to enjoy myself lately, not even music manages to make me feel better (and in dire times its the one thing that does). I havent been able to have fun lately even if i spent all of friday with my wonderful friends (even if i lost miserably at bowling).
I think it might actually be the contraceptive pills i am taking, because they have made me gain weight (which has done no good for my mood) and made me make rash decisions.
I hate headaches.
So i think i am going to the doctors to talk to them about it, because i cant handle these side-effects. Especially if i am going to be on a 20hr flight with my sister.
Another thing.. i dont think i am destressed, even if semester is over. I still feel as tight as i do when i am stressed, which i suppose is alot of the time, which isnt right, but i have too much to do and no time to allow myself to have a rest and bring myself back to equilibrium. The price one has to pay i suppose.
oh.. i dont think i can write anymore, its too much now.
I am sorry if i have acted weird to anyone, i realised i was doing it, i just had no idea why. now maybe i know, hopefully.
Goodbye.
P.S New poem which can be found here: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/25305545/ Please comment on deviantart. Thankyou. 14 noviembre On the topic of things...If you havent noticed, i've put up two new sets of photos, the first are a bit of a trip down memory lane for me... they were taken back in perth.
Looking through them, they reminded me of how much happier i was over there.. i dont know what it is over here, but i just dont seem to fit quite in as well as i did over there.. and i am not saying there is a tiny difference, its quite large.. otherwise i wouldnt feel so unhappy. (And please dont leave comments saying to cheer up and that it will get better.. we all know those dont work).
The second set were taken yesterday, the lighting turned out pretty well (happened to hide my huge pimple pretty well.. i'm on the pill and i still have pimples.... stupid exams and hormones!).
P.S i went to pilates today.. its hard!
--Ania
I lost my nero CD :( *very upset*).. I've been looking for it for about 3 months and only now can i admit i have lost it for good. *sigh*
P.S.S.. Anias space.. now with larger font! :P 12 noviembre Why you shouldnt starve yourselfHello!
I know its been a while since i have updated my blog, but i have had exams and such to fret and least of all to study for (cough cough).
I think i should be okay though.. i should definitely pass everything (including chem.. hopefully .. crosses fingers!!)
I am actually in a very very good mood.. hopefully it wont be changed by anything, anytime soon.
I was intending on making a post about the truth of metabolism.. especially after my molecular exam (or actually.. before it..) when it was coming out of my ears. (i was going to say every orifice of my body.. but thats not true :P). Honestly, i dont think we know enough about our bodies, especially non sciency people who dont even get a glimpse of how much we should know.. and then we try and fuck them up by putting them on diets and things which, if you look at it biologically, can be very hazardous. For example, eating very fatty foods and nothing else. What many people dont know, is only one section of fat (triacylglyercol or TAG) get broken down for immediate use, the rest, the fatty acids automatically get stored, and only get used as a very last resort in what we call the fasting state.
And even then, its not good for you, because the brain constantly needs energy, it needs glucose and energy, but it can work with what the fatty acids from TAG are painstakingly broken down to -- ketone bodies, they are like little skeletons of glucose. The brain doesnt want to live on chinese takeaway leftovers!!! So please, everyone dieting unhealthy, please save your brain.
Also, another scary fact about metabolism. If you try and starve yourself.. after a while the body does something which is a little horrifying. I'll explain first.. when you get energy, usually in the form of carbohydrates, the energy breaks it down to glucose through what is called glycolysis. The glucose then gets changed to pyruvate which then gets transformed to acetyl CoA which enters the very famous (so famous it has 3 names) Citric acid/TCA/Krebs cycle, which then through alot of very fancy chemical reactions and funny chemical words such as oxaloacetate (say it. it makes you feel smart!), and lots of enzymes, it spews out ions.. more importantly hydrogen ions, NADH and FADH2. It only makes 1 ATP molecule (ATP or adenosine-triphosphate is the key energy molecule of the body.. it is its energy, because the molecule has an amino acid (adenosine also found in DNA i.e the A in a mRNA and DNA .. not the actual words though they stand for messenger Ribonucleic Acids and Deoxyribose Nucleic Acid), and 3 phosphates, now that last phosphate on this group gives alot of energy if it is released, transforming ATP into ADP + P(i) (P(i) meaning inorganic phosphate.. ADP is now adenosine DI phosphate).
Now, your probably wondering why only a little bit of ATP is made (its only enough to bring one little substance into a cell, let alone the hard stuff we have to do). Well, remember i mentioned we have other things made by the citric acid cycle? Such as ions (H+), succinate fumarate and NADH.
Now these are important because they travel through the mitochondria (where all this takes place.. remember in biology, they said it was the powerhouse of the cell? well it really is).
These molecules go through what is called oxidative phosphorylation, where the H+'s get pumped across the mitochondrial membrane (remember mitochondria is one of very few organelles which has a double membrane, possibly thought to be an anaerobic bacteria which was phagocyted (eaten) by a cell by which the lysosomes didnt kill, thus an argument about the evolution of eukaryotic cells from prokaryotic). Anyway, these ions get pumped through with the help of our friends NADH and FADH2 which are needed by 3 integral proteins (proteins which cross the membrane the entire way) and one non transmembrane protein... this is oxidative phosporylation. Now these H+ ions build up on the outer membrane of the mitochondria. then.. this is the fun part, get taken on a roller coaster ride through a very funky protein called ATP Synthase.
Now ATP Synthase is a bit of a workaholic, its pretty much a motor... and in very strange and kinky ways uses the electron motive force of the electrons (i.e H+ ions.. think about what H+ actually is. then you will get it :P), to attach a phosphate back to ADP, making it ATP.. incredible isnt it!?
So there we have it, how we make energy....
So .. the moral of that very long story is dont starve yourself, dont eat too much fat (or only fat), and that you need proteins (otherwise the body has to go through some very strange chemical reactions where it takes one amino acid and puts it on another molecule and kinda swaps the same area.. called transamination.. and usually makes on of the molecules needed for the citric acid cycle, such as oxaloacetate. (very important molecule, if you dont have it, the citric acid cycle cant go.. its basically a carrier molecule, it gets regenerated by the citric acid cycle, but there is ofcourse a limit as to how much can exist)). There is also a process called deamination which breaks down proteins.. which then enters the Urea Cycle.. and guess what. makes urea (thus urea is metabolic waste as opposed to faeces which is just the stuff the body cant digest mixed with lots of acids and such.)
... So eat protein, carbohydrates are better then fats (so eat breakfast!!) and.. dont starve yourself, or your brain and muscles will eat themselves.. (its true. its what i was going to explain after all the glycolysis - oxidative phosporylation - electron transport chain stuff but i guess i was pulled onto a tangent).
I hope someone has learnt something from my babbling.. even if i said i wasnt going to go on about metabolism and did :P
I need breakfast :P
Ciao
--Ania
05 noviembre "Poppies"The nights whither away,
A relic of what has been.
There is nothing which may,
Pour ointment on what it may mean.
The stars forever cast a shadow
Douse the flames in trivial pursuit
To rediscover that one sacred meadow.
Nothing left to do but loot,
Your mind.
Where is the verification, the root.
Summer nights drift away just to find
The dried pieces of a broken flower.
The last of its kind in isolation
See those lines perpentuate sour
grimaces provoking cessation.
Procure yourself to the light
As nothing else will simply be.
Will you have the will to fight?
Can you see?
Lying beside the the blood stained grass.
Another summer comes.
Poppies grow where the stains once were.
Poppies.
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My newest poem.. havent written anyting for a while, was kind of a spontaneous thing.. trying to exhale some energy :P
Enjoy ^.^
Add: My other poems btw can be found at: http://severed-ania.deviantart.com/
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